Now that I am going into the second month with my third baby, L, I am beginning to have a lot of mixed emotions. On one hand I am very happy to be done with being pregnant and going through labor and all of the mess and pain that comes with it. But on the other hand, I am sad because I know I won't have anymore squishy newborns to cuddle and rock to sleep and nurse.
I will be turning 30 years old this year and it is really hard to believe that I am completely done with having kids. My mind is continually battling my heart for my emotions and thoughts on this subject and it is really hard to tell who is winning some days. I love being a mom to my three babies, but it is very hard watching them grow up and become more and more independent. A part of me would love to have more babies, but a stronger part of me says "Hell no!" Thankfully, the sane part of my brain wins the argument, but the heartache of being done is still there and probably will be for awhile.
The more independent my kids become, the less they need their mommy. It is one of those horrible catch-22's where you want your child to grow up and be successful and not need you, but you also don't want them to grow up and still need you for everything. Knowing that they are able to conquer more tasks each day means that you are doing your job as a parent right, but breaks your heart in the process.
My oldest son just turned 4 years old and is finally potty training (I know he's older than normal, but what is "normal" anyway?!). Watching him grow into this little person who can do these simple tasks already is so awesome for a parent to see! I am so proud of him for the person he is becoming and yet sad that he is growing up so fast. It feels like he was L's size just yesterday, and I was a brand new mommy with no freaking clue as to what I was doing. Now I'm handling 3 kids on my own when Daddy is at work with hardly any problem and drinking lots of coffee to keep up at times!
Parents grow right along with their children and don't even know it is happening. I think we only realize how much we change after our kids hit certain milestones in their lives. It is at those times that we look around and go, "Holy crap, I taught them that! Guess I haven't screwed them up as bad as I thought!" Because, let's face it, that is one of the biggest fears a parent has with their kids. I know that it is one of mine.
The end of this era means that I, and my husband, are now moving into a new and exciting time when soon we won't have to worry about diapers, but instead sports practice or music lessons along with school and hopefully 4-H. It is exciting for us to think about, but scary at the same time. Once again, it is a an era that we are not familiar with and are just so positive that we are going to ruin something with our kids that I think we will have to remind ourselves to stop and enjoy the moment before it is lost to the next era.
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