Daddy's Hats

“I have tried to live my life so that my family would love me and my friends respect me. The others can do whatever the hell they please.” -John Wayne

This is the tree from my dad's memorial in September. There is a lot of special meaning to each of those hats that hang on it. Some are more significant in memory to me than others, but they all represent who my dad was in the end. I can only tell what these hats meant to me, they might have different meaning or feeling attached to them for everyone else. Let's start at the top...

The white baseball cap was a hat that meant dad had become a "born-again" Christian. I know that a lot of people throw that term around, but in my dad's case it was true. Growing up he wasn't the nicest person to deal with. He was a very angry man after my parent's divorce and drank and smoked and chewed tobacco a lot. All of his jeans that he owned always had a Copenhagen ring in the back pocket. When my dad told me that he was going back to church; the same church he had turned his back to so many years before; I was in shock and honestly didn't think he would stick with it. Oh ye of little faith in my case. He was baptized, along with my brother and step-mom. I was so proud of him and the changes that had happened in him. He no longer drank, smoked, or chewed. In fact, he had even cooled his notorious temper and road rage. Dad had become the man I had always longed he would become as a little girl growing up.

The cheese-head is pretty self-explanatory. My dad was a rabid Green Bay Packers fan, and I have been a fan since I was little as well, just don't watch the games. On game days he would put on his cheese head and his Packer jersey and fill his Packer cup up with either coffee or water and root for his favorite team. The cheese head is now mine and I will always think of dad when I see it or watch a game.

The last two hats hold the most significance for me memory-wise. The bright orange tin hat brought on the most emotion for me when I finally saw it in person. Memories of dad coming home from logging in the woods to my grandma's house. He smelled like pine, chainsaw oil, and coffee. When he would come in the door my older brother and I would basically maul him and drag him over to the chair to help take his boots off while our grandma got him some dinner. If you have ever seen a logging boot, than you know it is not an easy task to take one off. They are extremely tall, almost to the knee, and HEAVY. Each boot can weigh upwards of 8 pounds! It would take me and my brother at least 10 minutes to "help" dad get his boots off, but while we undid the laces he would tell us about his time up in the woods. That old hat also reminds me of all the times dad was gone helping with fighting fires all over the Western United States and Alaska. Those were anxious times for my brother and myself. Fires are dangerous and we were always worried about dad's safety and prayed he would come home to us.

The final hat is dad's cowboy hat. He loved horses and the ranch life, but was never able to actually own his own ranch. He may not have been able to live the cowboy life that he always dreamed of, but he never stopped being a cowboy in his own heart and soul. This might explain both our obsessions with John Wayne and all things western.

In the end, dad was a great person and an excellent dad to all of us kids. He tried to live his life the best that he could in the best manner and way possible, so as to be an example to the rest of the world. I believe he accomplished just that, and I will miss him terribly.

I will always be my daddy's little Peanut.
Rest in Peace, until we meet again.

Holiday Season

The holiday season is here! Yay! Love Christmastime (if you couldn't tell already) and I was so excited to start decorating my house and tree. We have, for the first time ever since being married, a full-size, 7.5 foot tall tree! My oldest helped me decorate and we had so much fun :) After we decorated the tree R helped me with the fireplace mantle. We put up our Charlie Brown nativity scene, it looks pretty cute! When the boys were taking a nap the next day, I worked on the front window, putting up window stickers and ornaments and lights. It looks fabulous and we have gotten several compliments from out neighbors about it.

 Yes, that's a fence around the tree. Helps keep the kids and the dog out of it.

The weather down here has been downright cold! Not like it was in Oregon, but a different kind of cold. It's a damp cold that soaks into your bones, even if it is only 40 degrees out. Makes for being outside for any length of time miserable. I feel sorry for the hubby, he is out in it all day.

Our Thanksgiving was great. The four of us and one of hubby's co-workers who is also from out of state. Good food and good conversation; that's what the holidays are supposed to be about. We still miss the Northwest, but it is nice to have friends down here.

Everyone has been in good health, despite the nasty weather and I am thankful for that. Nobody likes it when their loved ones are sick, especially when they are male!

Slowly been wrapping presents and making Christmas treats that I plan on giving out as gifts. The only problem is that I have to make everything twice because the hubby and the boys are my "official taste-testers"...or so they say! HAHA! Mailed out a ton of Christmas cards this past week that I'm sure the mailman hates me for, but oh well, such is life. 

Until next time! Be on the lookout for another post later on this week, it's for a special day.

Halloween and Holidays are Coming

I know, it's been a super long time since the last post. What can I say other than I am blonde and spacey (I call it busy, but whatever). I did promise pictures of my super cute Halloween babies, so here ya go!

Sully Monster and a Skeleton Pirate. 

I just love them. They are so cute. TT was not terribly excited about having the head piece on, but he dealt with it. R had such a blast! I'm sure that next year will be even more fun!

 

Although I was slightly disappointed in the lack of Halloween decorations from people. Not too mention that there was hardly any neighborhoods that were passing out candy. The "rich" neighborhoods did, but that was about all that we saw when we headed back home after trick-or-treating. We didn't have a ton of decorations out, but we at least tried to make our house look inviting to any trick-or-treaters. Next year, I hope we can do a lot more to our yard and house to make it fun to visit!

Now that Halloween is over, we are preparing for Thanksgiving and Christmas! I'm looking forward to the holiday season and can't wait to start decorating the house. I promised the hubs that I would at least TRY to wait until Thanksgiving, but no guarantee at this point. There is a Christmas tree and decorations that are calling my name to be put out! I think that the boys will really enjoy Christmas this year, or I hope that they will. I want to at least try to mail out cards and give baked goodies to all of my neighbors and the few friends that we have living close by. I especially want to make lefsa this year. If you do not know what that is and have never tried it, than you are missing out on one of the best Scandinavian foods ever!! Just ask me ;) The only downside to it, is it takes FOREVER to make a small batch (which I usually end up eating most of it as test subjects). 

Can't wait for the holidays! 

 

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Change of Seasons

There is something about fall that makes me so happy and content. Probably the cooler weather. Which is a nice change from it being blazing hot all day down here. Also, the fact that I am able to wear cozy sweatshirts and slippers and snuggle on the couch to watch movies with my boys. Fall is also when my birthday is, and this birthday was bittersweet. Since my dad passed away in August it has been hard to not think about him missing out on what is going on in my life, my brothers, and my step-mom. I know its been hard for us all.

Every time I have a happy memory or think, "Oh! Dad would love this!" The realization hits that he can't share in that joy with us anymore. This past weekend, I was starting to buy some Christmas decorations that were on sale and it turned into a semi-sad time. Christmas was dad's favorite holiday! He was one of those people that started decorating as soon as possible and was the most colorful, bright, obnoxious house in the neighborhood! And I LOVED it! Dad loved everything about Christmas, but the thing he loved the most was having family around him enjoying the holiday and all of its goodies.

My goal this year is to try and decorate our house for Christmas in memory of dad, and because I love Christmas also! We will even, for the first time since being married, have a full-size Christmas Tree! So excited! Along with the decorating, I hope to make Christmas goodies: cookies, brownies, fudge, and my family's traditional Lefse. If you don't know what that is, find someone that makes it homemade, or come on down to New Mexico, and try it, it is the best stuff ever!

This holiday season should be fun, especially now that our oldest boy is really excited about Halloween and dressing up! He has picked out his costume, but I won't tell what it is until Halloween when I post a picture. T, our youngest, will probably be Sully from Monsters, Inc. Just have to dig out the costume.

Even though it's been a rough year with losing my dad, we have still been blessed with a roof over our heads and food in our bellies and good friends that are only a phone call away when I need someone to talk to. I really hope to post more blog posts this coming season, with pictures, and hopefully everyone can keep me in check! Until next time!

Busy Bee Summer

Well it has been one super busy summer! My 10 year high school reunion was in July in Baker and I had a blast catching up with a lot of my fellow classmates. Can't believe that it is September; which means Toby will be turning 1! And my birthday is also fast approaching. Along with the happy will be some sad and solemn with my Dad's memorial service.

For those that do not know, my Dad passed away in August from his battle with cancer. It is still something of a shock to me and I probably won't be able to continue my grieving process until the memorial. Being so far from family and what is going on has been nothing short of frustrating and I have no way of explaining what I am feeling to anyone. It's just too hard. What I do know is that my husband and babies are coming with me for support and to say goodbye to Grampy also. They are so little and it is so very hard for me to even try to begin to explain to R what is going on and why I've been so sad and moody lately.

To keep myself occupied, I have been working on cleaning and organizing our house. All I can say is that it amazes me how much crap a family gathers over the years! I have 5 boxes and 2 totes full of stuff to donate to the local thrift store. That will be nice when I can get all of that space freed up....so I can fill it with more crap I'm sure!

The summer down here has been pretty "mild" apparently. It's still too dang hot for me with the average temp being about 95 degrees. That's low as this has been a wet year. The usual average is about 100+. Thank goodness for small favors!

August also meant the arrival of our new member to our family! Drago the Vizsla puppy! The kids love him and he has become my third baby in the house. He is such a very good puppy and it was totally worth driving he 8 hours over by Dallas to pick him up.

All-in-all, I have tried to stay busy and pre-occupied as much as possible during this summer. It has kept me somewhat grounded and has helped me to deal with some of my emotions from everything going on that has been out of my control. After September 13th, that might change, but I will try to write about my Dad more next time and to try and tell you what kind of man/Dad he was. For now, the memories are too raw and painful to think about too much.

Until next time from the Southwest!

Overtime Season

It has been a long time since I last posted! So I've been a little busy with life.

Since last I wrote I have been trying to finish up my kitchen table and chair staining project and it turned out GREAT! It went from a light blond wood color to a beautiful honey brown. Love how nice it looks.

Also, the weather has been warming up rather rapidly around here and so I have been trying to help my hubby work on the yard without melting. Not an easy task in this area of the world. Our poor yard has done a complete 360 since we bought our house last year. Where there was once nothing but weeds in the back yard is now beginning to show grass and a lot of potential. It's a comforting thought to know that our hard work is paying off. The true test is when my son, R, prefers to run around in bare feet instead of wearing his shoes.

Along with the hot weather arriving so has a season I have dubbed "Overtime Season". It is named thus because the thunderstorms roll in so hot and violent that they take out poles and transformers and cause my poor hubby to have to go out and help fix them. The other bad part of the storms is that they do tend to bring on tornadoes. Coming from the north west to this part of the country, it came as a bit of a shock to learn that we were on the edge of "Tornado Alley". *Knock on wood* I have not seen one yet, but there was one that touched down about 40 miles north of us with the last storm.

Not only do these storms bring violence and tornadoes, but they also bring large sized hail. Come to find out we live in the county that claims the most hail damage for the state each year. Greeeeeaaaaatttttt......That is what I had to do this past week was file a claim with our insurance over hail damage to our roof. Such fun, but the insurance has been great to deal with so far and hopefully we can get a new roof put on soon.

July can not come soon enough because I am taking the boys with me to a visit up to Oregon for 2 weeks. (Yes, I am torturing myself again, flying with children alone.) Look forward to cooler weather and more greenery and mountains.

Loss

This is a hard post to write.

I have gotten into the habit since having kids of hiding my feelings and not showing a lot of emotion; such as crying or anger. As the days go by this is becoming harder and harder for me to do. Mostly out of frustration at my current situation of being completely helpless to do anything for my family that so desperately need help and support.

A little back story of the subject, because I have remained relatively quiet on the matter. Mostly I just don't know what to think or feel at this point anymore.

Last June my Dad was diagnosed with a brain tumor and underwent surgery. Most of the tumor was removed, but there is still the possibility with this type of cancer that it will come back. All seemed well. Then he began to develop complications such as pneumonia, blood clots, and seizures. It seemed with every step forward we have taken about 10 steps backwards.

When I flew down there with both boys during Christmas, it seemed as though maybe he was making good improvements and might actually be able to come home and recover there, instead of the rehab facility that he hated so much.

His time at home lasted maybe a month and he ended up back in the hospital. Even after he was taken off all of the medications that make a person drowsy, he still seems like he is in his own world. His past, present, and make believe world have all melded together to form his new reality. (Sometimes with humorous results!)

Since Dad has not completely come back after all of this time, I have a feeling that the "old" Dad I knew is gone and has been replaced with this new person. The loss I feel for the man I knew is deep. At times it almost feels like he is gone completely. I still love him very much and he will always be my Dad; just have to envision a new way of looking at things.

The reality of it all is that my Dad is here but not here all at the same time and I continue to look back and think of all of the things I should have said or talked to him about before all of this happened. Moral of this story is that you never know what you have until it is gone and because of it, I try to not get too grumpy when my children wake me up early or keep me up all  night, because one day they won't need their mommy to snuggle with them and that is the time when I will need them.