This is a hard post to write.
I have gotten into the habit since having kids of hiding my feelings and not showing a lot of emotion; such as crying or anger. As the days go by this is becoming harder and harder for me to do. Mostly out of frustration at my current situation of being completely helpless to do anything for my family that so desperately need help and support.
A little back story of the subject, because I have remained relatively quiet on the matter. Mostly I just don't know what to think or feel at this point anymore.
Last June my Dad was diagnosed with a brain tumor and underwent surgery. Most of the tumor was removed, but there is still the possibility with this type of cancer that it will come back. All seemed well. Then he began to develop complications such as pneumonia, blood clots, and seizures. It seemed with every step forward we have taken about 10 steps backwards.
When I flew down there with both boys during Christmas, it seemed as though maybe he was making good improvements and might actually be able to come home and recover there, instead of the rehab facility that he hated so much.
His time at home lasted maybe a month and he ended up back in the hospital. Even after he was taken off all of the medications that make a person drowsy, he still seems like he is in his own world. His past, present, and make believe world have all melded together to form his new reality. (Sometimes with humorous results!)
Since Dad has not completely come back after all of this time, I have a feeling that the "old" Dad I knew is gone and has been replaced with this new person. The loss I feel for the man I knew is deep. At times it almost feels like he is gone completely. I still love him very much and he will always be my Dad; just have to envision a new way of looking at things.
The reality of it all is that my Dad is here but not here all at the same time and I continue to look back and think of all of the things I should have said or talked to him about before all of this happened. Moral of this story is that you never know what you have until it is gone and because of it, I try to not get too grumpy when my children wake me up early or keep me up all night, because one day they won't need their mommy to snuggle with them and that is the time when I will need them.
